Tomasz Pieczerak

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Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence

Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.

  1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants.
  2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
  3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
  4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
  5. Exotic birds flock around you.
  6. People ignore you at parties.
  7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
  8. You no longer get off on cocaine.

Tip #2: Some important issues.

  1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs.
  2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground.
  3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
  4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems.
  5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
  6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
  7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
  8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally.
  9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary due to limited circulation.
  10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day.

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safety tips