Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
- Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants.
- Something is missing in your personal relationships.
- Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
- You have a hard time getting a waiter.
- Exotic birds flock around you.
- People ignore you at parties.
- You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
- You no longer get off on cocaine.
Tip #2: Some important issues.
- Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs.
- When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground.
- If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
- Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems.
- Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
- Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
- Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
- Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally.
- Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary due to limited circulation.
- Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day.
safety tips